Insomnia is when the mind can’t sleep. The mind is awake because there are unresolved issues tumbling around and will not release until there is a resolution.
My unresolved issue is asking myself why some people try everything in their power to manipulate and control a situation so that it satisfies their want or need.
On the other hand, I am trapped wondering why other people are completely indifferent to the needs of others.
It has been discovered by many that if I am given the choice to help or walk away, I will always help. If I am asked to decide, I will always go with the desire of others; even if it is not in the best interest of my emotional health.
Some people who know me well, also know that they can get me to follow along with their wishes if they persist.
People know that I do not feel comfortable saying no or enforcing boundaries, so it is easy for them to find ways to make me follow along with their wishes.
The guilt I feel if I stay true to my boundaries is a crippling ordeal that brings on waves of depression. I end up just wanting to be alone.
Ultimately what this does; is put me into a shell of self-doubt and despair. I become, or appear to become unapproachable, distant, and hateful.
There does not seem to be any form of middle ground where I can maintain a boundary without destroying my sanity and relationships with others.
People look to me for answers, but not to lead. They look to me for their own self validation, as long as I don’t hold myself in high regard. They look to me to be the fixer of the broken things in their life, but aren’t interested in the cost.
As soon as people figure out that I am a good resource for them, be it temporary or long term, they always use it to their benefit.
Very rarely do I ever come to mind as being anything but a resource for others gain. I never even feel like I am a human being any more. I feel like an obsolete device, sitting on a shelf, waiting for my turn.
I certainly don’t feel like a friend, nor do I feel like I have friends who respect my boundaries. As someone who has quit drinking, drugging, and smoking; it was recently assumed that several of these friends could just drink or drug or light up in my house, as was the case last night when they came over.
I wish I had answers to this inconsiderate attitude toward my friendship, but for now I don’t. I wish I had a clue as to why I am disregarded; why it is assumed that any and all behaviors are okay, or why it is assumed that I can cope with the noises and chaos, but I don’t.
Trying to make new friends is like a monumental failure waiting to happen. I have become so used to rejection over the course of my life, that I now just assume it will happen. I realize that this is not a healthy or positive attitude to have, but is has proven to be safe and reliable. It ends in my comfortable place; quiet and alone.
Today is one of those days when exhaustion hits like a truck and the mind wanders to sinister places. A day when the tears are just about to burst forth, but never come. A feeling of all the toxic pain simmering near the surface, just enough to inflict maximum damage without leaving a mark. An ordinary day of days.
Yes, these are the things that keep me up nights.