I am staring at my white knuckle grasp on the safety bar of a roller coaster that I was terrified to ride. Suddenly; I feel my heart jump into my throat as I am confronted for hurting someones feelings. While not intending to; and thinking I know the limitations of what is appropriate and what crosses the line. I make a tremendous and total ass of myself, only to apologize for the remark I made. Normally, what I said and how I said it would not be grounds for a second glance, but this time was different. I am suddenly confronted by someone who was seeking consolation; not sarcastic humor. In my posts of the past, I spoke in depth of the pitfalls of narcissistic personalities, but I am beginning to feel that my personality is no better. I aim to validate my selfish life through humor and light-hearted banter; that often crosses the lines into outright insult. Why am I such a poor judge of reactions that I normally don’t receive? Am I blind to the outward image of disdain I almost certainly project? Do I see myself as some kind of special being, while others see the mediocre truth? And so all of these thoughts go rampaging through my head again, and I fall from the high place that I put myself in. Looking at small instances of history in my life, I see the path of self-pity I have so often taken. How can I repair my good name and reputation? Am I kidding myself to assume I ever had a good name or reputation? Humor has always helped me to cope in life. Sometimes I rely on it too much. When humor turns to insult, or is perceived as an attack, I get defensive. At this point my guard is down, and I am vulnerable to counter attack. My veil of security that I find in humor is now removed, and my true horrible self is exposed for the world to see. My self righteous, kind, and generous perception of myself reveals the horribly weak and damaged true self that I have worked so hard to disguise. My halfhearted commitment and lazy attitude; my cold contempt for the world; my infantile fears of being unwanted and inadequate. Suddenly, I am plain, damaged, and alone. A narcissist does the same thing. They project an image of perfection to the world devoid of flaws and errors. They go out of their way to say all of the right things, make all of the right moves, know all the answers, and convince the world that their life is nothing less than perfect. This is where we take different paths. The narcissist only sees a means to an end, whereas I see an end to the means. I feel my natural response; again… is to cower and hide under my rock. I don’t want to draw any attention to my condition, but I don’t want to explain myself either. I don’t want people to see me. I don’t want them to worry or make a fuss. My thoughts lay where I can be alone. My dark quiet place where I am able breath again. My skin relaxes, my eyes dim, my white knuckles loosen their grip, and I fall asleep. Perhaps prayer will have the answers I seek.

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