The hurt that I carry in my heart today; is being negatively compared to someone else. My failure to communicate is what caused the comparison. I have spoken of my tendency to blame myself and judge myself harshly for my perception of what I did wrong. But do I really need to be lined up side by side with a person who caused all of this hurt? I don’t think I deserve it. This is a moment when I need to stay strong, and stick to my boundaries. How did I come to be judged? What pain lies so deep, that it has to be expelled every time someone else dares to make a mistake? Why do I need to explain myself, and feel shame for having done so? So many times in my marriage, I was told to act like a man. I was bypassed on decisions, and made to feel like dirt. I was second class; a child at the adult table. I have since had nearly every responsibility ripped from me, and made to know my place. My daughter is in her early teens now, and I have virtually no decision in matters that affect her parenting. I have been made into a utility parent. I made some very bad choices in my life, as a result. I drank to excess, used drugs, and smoked. All in an effort to dull the pain of being second class. If you ask me if that is how I really feel, I will say yes. I do feel that way. It is perhaps the most painful thing that anyone can endure. Not being good enough to deserve respect. Today, I was in a great deal of stress; fretting over my discomfort of communicating how I really feel. I feel like shit, because I was compared. No amount of consolation or apology can makeup for that pain. It is the very bottom of who I am. It is the worst part of me being laid bare for the world. And the worst part, is that I will cary that stress around for days; letting it eat me up inside. All of this, because I didn’t foresee that my inaction would upset someone else. It has history, it hurts, and it’s real right down to the bone.

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